Identity Crisis and Confrontation

Published on Monday, July 20, 2009 at www.schaulagai.blogspot.com

I always sleep with the hope of beautiful dreams of upcoming identity; wake up with one emerging identity, complete day with challenging identity and return home having completely different one to follow the same cycle of identity. In fact, who am I? What is my real relation with this versatile world? Everybody might have the some sort of curiosity about their identity. Even though, I have an inner insight that identity signifies complexity, identifies with reality and is the bearer for the all vanity of a human life that directly links to the society. Likewise, I believe that Identity is an integral part of social life and without social identity, there is, in fact no society. So as to say, Identity is much more about you, means partly internal and subjective and also partly external and depend on the judgement of others. For example, Identity can be fixed on the basis of gender, nationality, class, religion, political, social, traditional role since you are belong to those of. Simultaneously, Identity coherently deserves symbolical logos. It is changeable unless it is a matter of gender, nationality and class.

Having referred to autobiography of eminent personalities, philosophers, scientists, actors, musicians, yogis of the world, they are exclusively describing the life stories and jargons of their life. All narratives connect more or less with their different stages of identity. Thus, Identity entails the personality. Wherever I depart in the world, the first question always follows me is –‘who are you?’ And if I have to introduce myself in front of a stranger, I always initiate like telling…. My name is Som Chaulagai from Nepal. I am 26 years old, young married man inspired by Hindu’s belief system and working as a .. Or student. Basically, it reveals adequate information about me to make some sort of constructive dialogue with him. It evokes all kind of basic information about my age, sex, and religion, political and socio-economical status to that person. But when I develop my personal relationship with him in deeper way by any means of process, he will judge my identity in various ways. Now what I mean to explain here is that a person can present himself or herself according to his/her personal interest among others but the thematic identity always follows the behavioral and social part of individual through judgmental analysis of other member of society.


Identity is adaptable (condition applied), transferable, changeable. It follows the phonetic as well as genetic process, physical and biological development, social, political and economical influences. Since the matter of description of my own identity, I like to describe from the time when I was inside my mother’s womb. I sound bit more imaginary as well as fictional in this term. However, this is an unravel fact. It explains an identity of mine as developing a child inside mother’s womb. It took almost nine months to develop as a boy. Gradually, I got my name from my parents. Later on, I came to know that I belong to chaulagai family where Hinduism is my religion and hold the position of superior caste within Nepalese community. Since then, my identity represents both traditional as well as social aspects.

Referring to my school life, I have been known as one of the brilliant students. Everyone was having boundless expectations upon my calibre. Since onward, developing dynamic identity became my interest and unlimited desire too. According to the different theories of social science about developing identities described by Woodward having reference of different sociologists and psychologists – linking personal and subjective sense of identity to the external identity, the presentation of self in everyday life, childhood experience and parental environment to the adulthood, I also started to relate every aspect of life in development of identity. So as to say, creating an identity is not an easy work, it needs lots of strength, enthusiasm and passion as well. One fact is largely valid that physical or whatever development in life style signifies complexity. On the other hand, it also dedicates the uplifting grip for one’s identity.

I struggled for several years in crowed city of Kathmandu in the search of better identity. Gradually one after another I deserved all within the arena I choose. I ran for almost 9 years from one corner to another, junks, and take a twist and turn many times in life. I had chosen a field related to the Human Resources (Recruitment Business). During those years, I started my identity from a low paid staff and ended up, as a Human resources Manager, like a renowned identity in professional life. That was my individual identity. Beside that I represented social and political identity involving myself in Lions club International, and other business related associations as well. Side by side, I continued my traditional roles and relationship. But desire of getting new identity and superior identity never stopped me to move forward. During that course, I realised that achieving identity is a matter of pride but sometimes it also creates conflict among networks and society. I had achieved all the identity what a man should achieve in term of sex, gender, social, economical and political aspect in order to move beyond during those years. At the same time, I started conflict with my own sister in business for newer and superior identity so did she. She intervened me in unconvincing way. Way of intervention and family circumstances and unexpected incidents forced me to find my new identity outside from Nepal.

Thus, in the year 2007, I left my all identity what I had achieved in Nepal and Nepal itself in search of newer one as a student in Diaconia University of Applied Sciences. Here, again, I started from the bottom level. Sometime, it feels so good to start the chapters of life again in a different way. I started my identity as a student, and within the short period of time, I started to carry multiple identities here in Finland. My daily life, step by step, set forth in multiple identical aspects, for example husband, student foreigner, stranger and a cleaner- called siivooja f sir to siivooja in Finland and waiting to be a father soon. Being a husband and student was a greater choice in my life but being a Siivooja something different than acceptance. I am compelled to introduce myself by the name of the place where I work to my boss. If I say I am Som in telephone. They don’t recognize me. They think that a junk or a bluff call from a stranger. I would rather like to say compulsion in order to maintain socio economic status and my misfortune to be in such identity crisis. Even though, if I compare my social, political, economical and professional life, I see it hanging middle of no where. These days, when I do not see and meet co operating and collective neighbourhood, people who speak same language, spicy food and mountains, I missed Nepal so much. I had never had such patriotic feeling or essence before. Now I feel proud to say myself- I am a Nepali. Now I have got the realization of being real Nepali and Nepal Identity. Not only that I have realised most sensitive part of my identity- A Hindu, even though I am not so religious. I started to differentiate mine and others belief system. In this way, I am categorising myself in minority group and striving to get better identity.

Hence, Identity carries the credibility of a human being but it depends on environment, culture, behaviour, professional and traditional role and so on. The conclusion is, the process is one of recognition, of looking at yourself and thinking that ‘that’s me’.